


i guess that you were always on my mind (i should have told you sometime)

by birtsby



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (will roland voice), M/M, kinda self indulgent but, my first ever fic!, whatevs whatevs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birtsby/pseuds/birtsby
Summary: Michael and Jeremy are in college. Michael and Jeremy are figuring things out. Michael and Jeremy are trying their best. Not necessarily in that order.





	1. I Always Cry at Endings

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey hey! So Michael and Jeremy are big bad college boys now B) In this fic, Jeremy and Christine dated for a few months, but ended up splitting amiably when Christine realized she was ace and wanted to take some time for herself. Michael and Jeremy are still best friends, and so naturally go to college as roomies (because they're coooool in college) in un unnamed university in an unnamed state. Michael is studying music, and Jeremy is undeclared but looking. 
> 
> Enjoy, mes amis! And come visit my BMC blog at birtsby-bmc.tumblr.com. or my main, birtsby.tumblr.com!
> 
> (chapter title taken from Belle and Sebastian's "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying", title from Joel Alme's "Always On My Mind")

Jeremy surveyed the dorm room doubtfully, arms wrapped tightly around his pillow. The space was cramped and dim, the singular window on the far wall blocked with heavy shades. Jeremy’s spine hurt just looking at the two beds flanking the walls. It was incredible how such a small room could feel so empty and devoid of life.

Until Michael came barreling up behind him.

“Is this it?! Oh man! Dude, check it! We can put our Zombies of the Millennium poster right here! And there’s so much room in this closet, bro, you could fit that fursuit I know you’re just dying to buy.”

Jeremy cracked a smile. “Literally, shut up, Michael. I’m not gonna buy a freaking fur suit.”

Michael grinned at him over his shoulder from where he was still apparently attempting to reach Narnia via the small closet space. “I’m just saying man, keep your options open-“  
He laughed as Jeremy threw his pillow at his head.

“What are you boys doing?” Mrs. Mell’s voice called up the stairs. “Because I could certainly use some help with your luggage.”

“Sorry mom!” said Michael, quickly halting his inspection in order to go back down stairs and help his mother. Jeremy followed as well, finding his dad and Mrs. Mell both struggling to carry their large suitcases.

“Jeremy, I think you packed the entire house.” His father panted. “It’s either that, or I’m ridiculously and utterly out of shape.”

“I assure you, it’s the latter, Mr. Heere.” Michael teased. Mr. Heere laughed in agreement. “I’d be offended, but it’s far too true. Here, help me with this, Jeremy.”

\---

By the time they eventually successfully carried everything up the stairs, it was time for goodbyes and then orientation. Michael and his mother stood outside the door to the boy’s new dorm room, talking quietly. Jeremy and his father stood near one of the beds, neither knowing quite what to say.

Jeremy and his father had been working on their relationship ever since the Squip incident. It was slow progress- tiny little baby steps full of missed connections and elongated pauses. But they were really, truly getting better. They laughed together now, and had inside jokes, and now when his dad asked how his day was, Jeremy knew he was really interested and really wanted to actually tell him.

“I’m really proud-“  
“Dad, I’m really-“

Both stopped. Another awkward pause, until Mr. Heere gestured for Jeremy to continue with what he was saying.

“Dad..I just wanted to say…thank you, I guess. I mean, like, you’ve been super cool this past year and I know you work really hard and I’m just really glad to have you as my dad.” Jeremy stopped his rambling to look earnestly at his father. “I’m going to miss you.”

Mr. Heere grinned at his son, tears suddenly glistening in his eyes. “Jeremy, I’m really proud that you’re here doing this. College is gonna be so good to you. You’re gonna figure out so many things. Like, sexually speaking.”

“Dad, no.”

“-I’m serious! College is guaranteed to be your sexual awakening. I know it was for me-”

“PLEASE STOP.”

“-I just realized how much love I had to give, and how many people- and not necessarily, y’know, just the ladies- how many people I had to give my love too-“

“OH MY GOSH SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.”

“-I’m just saying!” Mr. Heere’s face suddenly became more serious. “Listen, you’re gonna learn a lot about yourself. Some stuff that’s gonna scare you a little bit, but I think it’s been a long time coming.”

“What are you even talking about.”

“What I mean is…keep an open mind. You’re gonna do great, Jeremy. I love you, buddy. Remember- call me EVERY Sunday.”

Jeremy pulled a face at his dad, before laughing and giving him one final hug. “Of course, Dad. I love you too.”

\--- 

Michael and Jeremy stood on the grass outside of their apartment complex, waving as their parents slowly pulled away and out of sight. Jeremy looked over at Michael’s face and was oddly caught by the way the end-of-summer-sun struck his warm brown eyes just right. It took a while before he realized Michael’s face was abnormally red.

“Dude, you look like a tomato. Did you just run a mile while I was looking the other way?”

Michael laughed, a little awkwardly. “No man, just…something that my mom told me.”

Jeremy’s interest was piqued. “What did she say?”

Michael hesitated, face somehow turning even redder than before. “Nothing, bro. Just something about how she’s gonna miss me or something.” He turned abruptly back towards the apartment. “C’mon, let’s get our stuff and hurry to orientation before they start without us.”


	2. We Both Know You Know Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are settling in to college and giving each other love and support because- angst? Never heard of her. Also Jeremy is *Kylie Jenner voice* like, realizing things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure where this story is going/how long it will be quite yet, but it's very fun to write! I'm HOPEFULLY aiming for around 5 chapters :)
> 
> Chapter title taken from the Air Traffic Controller's song "You Know Me"

Michael threw his head back and let out an elongated groan, sinking back against the wall of his bedside. “Guitar is gonna be the freaking death of me, dude.”

Jeremy looked up from where he was working on his essay for English. “What are you talking about. You sound amazing.”

Michael simply groaned again in response, but Jeremy knew it was true. Michael was insanely talented in the whole music department thing. He had always known Michael played the ukulele, and that his mom apparently had forced him into taking piano lessons for the past 6 years, but he felt guilty about not realizing till recently just how multifaceted Michael’s talents were. 

Apart from somehow hiding the fact that he played the guitar from his lifelong best friend for apparently freaking 3 years (“How could you possibly not have know that?! I’ve had the guitar in my room since basically forever!” “I just thought it was part of your whole, like, vibe or something! YOU NEVER PLAYED IT FOR ME!!”), Michael was also learning to use a Midi Fighter, which was, to put it simply, freaking awesome. The boy had talent.

Jeremy favorite thing by far, however, was Michael’s voice. In Jeremy's humble opinion, Michael sang like an angel. He hadn't know Michael could really sing, either- he'd know he had at least a decent voice, from listening to him sing along to the mixtapes he was always making for Jeremy and his constant humming in tune to their video game background music. But hearing him sing-actually, truly sing- was a whole new experience.

It normally happened when Michael came home between his 2 afternoon classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, aka Jeremy's designated nap time. He'd think Jeremy was asleep (which, to be fair, he often was) and pull out his ukulele or guitar and begin strumming softly so as not to wake him. But sometimes Jeremy would be awake, and would catch his softly lilting voice singing covers and sometimes even original songs. He never made any sign to show that he wasn’t sleeping, instead regarding these times as almost sacred hours in which he got to see, or well, HEAR, a side of Michael that wouldn't make an appearance otherwise. 

And sometimes, he'd peek open his eyes just a little and look at the boy, sitting at his desk chair or on his bed and bent over his chosen musical instrument. The light would always be just right, streaming in through the half-open shades and highlighting Michael’s dark hair. His face would be one of relaxation met with concentration, sometimes biting his lips as his fingers stretched over the frets to reach the harder notes. And his eyes. God, his eyes. Jeremy had never really considered brown eyes as beautiful until he began paying closer attention. They were just so warm, and soft, and so completely, utterly...Michael.

Jeremy felt a weird flutter in his chest as he thought back on those moments in the sunlight as he regarded Michael, where he was now spread haphazardly across their floor, making noises of protest against the world at large. Weird. He wasn’t gonna dwell on that right now, though.

“Dude. Seriously. Your guitar skills are insane. It sounded really good from over here.”

Michael groaned and flipped over onto his stomach, face pressed against the carpeted floor. That probably didn't smell too great. 

“You don't understand,” came Michael’s muffled voice. “Mrs. Fyre is totally anal about this shit. My timing was totally off. Also,” he lifted his head slightly to look down at their carpet in disgust. “This carpet smells like that time you tried to make enchiladas and like, fucked up more than I have ever seen anyone fuck up in my entire life. No offense.”

“None taken.” Jeremy said airily. He was definitely not a cook- baking was more of his expertise. “Also, did you ever get back to that girl about composing the music for her project?”

Michael flipped onto his back again, staring at the ceiling. Last week, a girl from the video department had reached out to Michael after seeing one of his original compositions he’d posted to youtube (it only had like 17 views, but Jeremy was still insanely proud of him for getting his stuff out there!) and asked if he wanted to compose the music for a short film she was producing. Michael had said he’d need to think about it, but it had been 3 days now.

“I dunno,” Michael said. “I just, like, don’t have a ton of experience? And I’m not even that good. I don’t want to totally disappoint her and ruin her project, you know?”

Jeremy glared at him from his bed, then moved off of it to join Michael on the floor. “Michael, oh my god. You are seriously so so talented and amazing and that chick would be so incredibly lucky to have you as her composer. Also, how the heck do you think you get experience in the first place? This would be so awesome, bro. You’re not gonna make anything bad, because everything you make is amazing. I’m serious. That song you posted yesterday? That’s my ringtone now.”

“What?!” Michael blushed. “Oh my god, you’re like an embarrassing mom.” He laughed and shoved Jeremy’s arm playfully. “But thanks dude. That’s really nice.” He paused, taking a second to just smile at Jeremy. Jeremy felt his heart stutter randomly as he gazed back at Michael's happy and open face. “I think I will do it. I should text her and let her know.”

He reached for his phone, grabbing it from where it was sitting on the desk above their heads. His shirt rode up a little as he did so, and Jeremy found that he was suddenly blushing. What the hell?! He shook his head, confused at his body’s reactions.

“What about those auditions you were gonna go to?” Michael asked as he straightened into a sitting position, gaze still blessedly averted towards his phone and completely missing Jeremy’s random blush. “What was it for? Thoroughly Modern Miley?”

“Millie.” Jeremy corrected. “Thoroughly Modern MIllie. And I don’t know. I’m not like, officially a part of the theatre department? And i’m not even that good.”

It was Michael’s turn to glare at Jeremy. “Don’t even give me that crap, Mr. I-starred-alongside-Christine-Canigula-in-the-school-musical-for-2-years-running. Besides, everyone’s allowed to audition for the musicals here. And this could really help you decide whether you actually want to pursue theatre or not!”

Jeremy smiled slightly, nodding in agreement. “Yeah, yeah. Auditions are next week…” A feeling of resolution overtook him. “I’m gonna go, although I doubt i’ll get a big part.” 

Michael snorted. “They’d be insane to not give you one. But yes! Good! Audition! You’re gonna be great.”

They sat a little while longer on the floor together in companionable silence, giving Jeremy a second to reflect on whatever the hell was happening with his emotions and his heart. His gaze flitted towards Michael, who was looking at something in his phone. His face was so...pretty, Jeremy realized with a start. Michael was very, very pretty, and Jeremy was very, very attracted to him.

What the hell.

Before Jeremy could full-key panic at this sudden realization, Michael's gaze snapped back up to his.

“How much homework do you have left today?” He asked. Jeremy considered, making a mental checklist of what he'd already done. “I was working on an essay, but it's not due till the end of the week. Why?”

Michael grinned at him. “Do you want to play Apocalypse of the Damned?”

Jeremy was reaching towards the controls before Michael even finished the question. He'd ponder his sudden realization at a later date. For now, it was time to blast some Zombie heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting? Never. 
> 
> Don't forget to visit me at birtsby-bmc! Thanks for reading and the kind comments, you guys rock my world!


	3. To Know Him is to Love Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But he’s just so good! He always knows just what to say to make me feel better. And his eyes? And hair?! Agh.” Jeremy buried his face in his hands. Christine looked at him in sympathy, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder.
> 
> “Wow. You really like him.” she said, sympathy lacing her voice.
> 
> Jeremy lifted his head to look at her balefully. “You think?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm story-stuck atm but Christine is an actual angel,,,whom I Love....
> 
> Anyways lot's of dialogue and coming to terms with feelings and good stuff like that. Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!
> 
> (chapter title taken from "To Know Him is to Love Him", by Amy Winehouse!)

Jeremy shaded his eyes with his hand against the harsh afternoon sun. Where was she?  
He looked down at his phone again, reading the last message he had received from Christine. “I’m by the trash bin on the north side of the building!” He looked at the green bin directly in front of him. Well. That was there, but Christine certainly wasn’t. 

“Jeremy!” A familiar voice called. He whipped his head to see Christine running towards him, hair flying everywhere.

“Christine!” he replied, running to meet her halfway and enveloping her in a crushing hug. “Where did you go?”

Christine laughed, brushing hair out of her face. “Sorry! I saw Rich on his way to class and had to say hello. I’m just so excited to see everyone again! I feel like it’s been forever!”

Jeremy smiled. “Not quite everyone. Brooke and Chlo are over in Michigan, and Jenna’s at CalArts- but I get what you mean. How’s NYU?”

“Incredible,” Christine gushed. “My theatre classes? Amazing. My teachers? Outstanding. I just feel like I’m progressing so much, y’know?” Her feet did an excited little dance on the pavement. “And what about you? How’s your audition piece coming?”

“Um...ok? I guess?” Jeremy sighed. “That’s actually why I asked you to meet me outside of the theatre building. They have some practice rooms, and I was wondering if you could help me with my song before we meet up with everyone else? If it’s cool with you, of course.”

“Literally nothing would bring me greater joy, Jeremy. You know I love to hear you sing.” Christine’s face became suddenly curious. “By the way-what are you singing?”

“Seven Wonders, from Catch Me If You Can.” Jeremy replied as he began to guide Christine towards the building. “Do you think that’s an ok piece to audition for Jimmy with?”

“They are probably going to fall in love with you on the spot and offer the role of Jimmy on a silver platter, Jeremy.”

“Ok, Christine. Thanks for the faith.”

“What are friends for?”

 

\----

“That was really really great! Maybe on that last note, get a little more air before you go for it. But seriously Jeremy, you sound amazing.”

Jeremy smiled. “Are you sure that you were even paying enough attention to know that? You were snapchatting the entire time.” he teased.

Christine gave a dramatic gasp. “I was sending videos of you singing to Michael! He thinks you sound amazing too- and this is a direct quote here, he says you sound ‘bone-jumpingly good’.”

Jeremy felt his face suddenly flush. Bone-jumpingly good?! 

“Oh.” he stammered, trying to hide his red face. Christine, however, was far too perceptive for her own good.

“Woah woah woah. Hang on just a minute. Did something happen between you and Michael?”

“No!” Jeremy cried defensively, somehow finding it in himself to go even redder. 

“But you want something to happen between you two. Oh my god, you have a crush on Michael!”

Jeremy sputtered as Christine laughed at him from her spot on the floor. “Would you quiet down? The entire building doesn’t need to hear this!

Christine shrugged. “It’s all theatre kids in here, Jeremy. We’re all way to self absorbed to care. But when did this happen?”

Jeremy shrugged awkwardly. “I don’t really know? Like, over the past month I’ve just feel like I’m somehow...rediscovering Michael? Like, I knew him already, of course, but now when I look at him I feel like I’m seeing him in a new light. And I’ve always loved Michael, but now...I kind of wanna hold his hand and kiss him too?”

Christine nodded along eagerly to the words spilling from his mouth, chin held in her hands like a 5 year-old listening to their favorite bedtime story. “I always thought that you two were really really close. In a way, I’ve been waiting for this to happen since the moment I met you two.” 

Jeremy squeaked indignantly. “What are you talking about?! You and me dated!”

“And it was wonderful,” Christine assured him. “You were a very nice and caring boyfriend, Jeremy. Michael is very lucky.”

Jeremy sighed and walked over to Christine, sinking down beside her on the floor and resting his head back against the wall. “I don’t think he likes me like that. Like, we’re best friends, and we always have been, and now I’m having stupid emotions that could potentially destroy all of that and I don’t want it to be destroyed! I’d much rather just keep my dumb feelings to myself and still get to be friends with Michael, than risk telling him and have him hate me forever.”

“Jeremy, look at me. Michael is way too wonderful of a person to hate you for something like that. And what on earth makes you think that he wouldn’t like you back?”

Jeremy hunched his shoulders, encircling his arms tightly around himself. “He’s just..I mean, have you met him? He’s so talented and amazing, Christine. He writes music? And it’s really good? And have you seen him, Christine?! He’s got the most amazing smile and his laugh makes me wanna just...I don’t know, either hug him till the end of time or make out with him for 10 hours straight.”

“Ok, ew, I didn’t that visual.”

“But he’s just so good! He always knows just what to say to make me feel better. And his eyes? And hair?! Agh.” Jeremy buried his face in his hands. Christine looked at him in sympathy, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder.

“Wow. You really like him.” she said, sympathy lacing her voice.

Jeremy lifted his head to look at her balefully. “You think?”

“But you know what,” Christine continued, “he did just tell me that you sounded bone-jumpingly good. That doesn’t sound like a very platonic thing to say to me.”

“That’s just Michael being Michael.” Jeremy said. “You know how he is.”

“Maybe.” Christine replied. “But then again, maybe not.”

Jeremy looked at her flatly. “What are you saying.”

“I’m saying, maybe don’t give up all hope quite yet.” she shrugged nonchalantly. “We’re all eating dinner together tonight, correct?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yeah, Michael, RIch, and Jake are meeting us at Jimmy’s in-” he looked at his phone- “half an hour. We should actually start heading out soon.”

“Hm. Well, tonight I’m gonna be on the lookout, and I’ll tell you what vibes I get from Michael. I’m actually a really great matchmaker, Jeremy.”

Jeremy scoffed. “Sure, Christine. But you’re not gonna get anything from Michael. There’s no way he could ever like me. He’s amazing, and I’m, well...look at me.”

Christine stood suddenly and stared down at Jeremy, who was still sitting against the wall. “I AM looking. And you know what I see? A talented, kind, funny individual who anyone would be lucky to have. So regardless of whether or not Michael likes you, and I’ve SEEN the way he looks at you, Jeremy, you’re still gonna be an amazing person with an amazing life ahead of you. So stop all of this negative BS.”

Jeremy looked at her, mouth gaping. “Wait-what do you mean, the way he looks at me?”

Christine rolled her eyes. “Oh my god, just get up.” She reached out an arm for Jeremy to grasp and hoisted him to his feet. “Let’s go to dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to visit me on tumblr at birtsby, or birtsby-bmc!


	4. In Your Arms (I Feel Safe)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy had turned to walk back to his own bed when Michael called his name softly. “Jeremy.”
> 
> Jeremy looked back at Michael’s form in the low lighting if their dark room. “Michael.”
> 
> He could see Michael’s soft smile, even through the dark. “I’m glad you’re my friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 2:30 morning and I apologize for any effects that may have had on the quality of this chapter.
> 
> Anyways I love you all so so much and I basically live off of all of your kind comments. Seriously guys, thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Chapter title taken from Chef'Special's "In Your Arms"

Rich let out an ear-splitting shriek as soon as he saw Christine from across the restaurant.

“BABE!” he yelled, ignoring the severely peeved side-glances he was getting from the couple sitting next to the booth he was currently occupying along with Jake and Michael.

“Babe!” Christine replied in kind. “It’s been too long, my dearest heart!”

“Ok, yeah yeah, settle down, you two,” grumbled Jake, who was sitting next to Rich and received a knee to the face as he clambered to stand on the cushioned booth and jump up and down excitedly, making shrieky noises. Christine matched him weird noise for weird noise. “We don’t want to get kicked out before we even order.”

“Agreed,” said Michael, who was sitting across from the two boys. He turned to beam at Christine and Jeremy as they drew closer. Jeremy’s heart stuttered. “Christine! Jeremy!”

“Michael!” Christine replied, laughing down at him. “It’s so good to see you! And you two dummies as well, of course.” she said, turning to face Rich and Jake. “I can’t believe it’s already been a month!”

While her back was to Jeremy as she faced the boys, Christine covertly gestured with her hand for Jeremy to go ahead of her and take the seat next to Michael. Jeremy cursed the blush that he could already feel creeping up his face as he moved to sit next to his best friend, mortified at Christine’s determination to play matchmaker. His embarrassment disappeared in a flash when he noticed Michael beaming at him as he took his seat.

“Hey.” Michael said softly, so as not to disturb the still ongoing discussion between the others. Creating their own private conversation, just the two of them paying careful attention to each other. “I feel like I haven’t seen you all day. How was rehearsing with Christine?”

“Really helpful, actually. She’s great, and she’s teaching me some of the stuff she’s been learning at NYU.”

“Oh?” Michael raised an eyebrow and nudged Jeremy with his elbow. “Whatever it is she’s telling you, it must have worked. You sounded amazing.”

Jeremy smiled at Michael. He loved how supportive his friend was, how safe and warm and easy he made every single environment he was in feel. “Thanks, man. I-”

“So, before we start dinner,” interrupted Jake, causing all attention at the table to be turned to him, “Rich and I just wanted to say something.” Jake turned to the shorter boy, who was grinning back at him happily. “Do you wanna say it?”

“You bet your well-toned ass I do,” said Rich, before grasping Jake’s hand and laying their entwined hands out on the table for all the world to see. He paused, taking a deep breath. “Jake and I are dating.”

The other side of the table exploded all at once. “I knew it!” “WHAT” “Oh my god I totally called it-”

Jake held up two hands, pulling Rich’s hand along with his, stopping the flood of words streaming at them. “Ok, slow down. Yes, Rich and I are dating. Yes, I like him a whole lot and yes, I’m very, very bi. The floor is now open for questions.”

“Um, yeah, I have a question.” said Michael, leaning towards the pair. “How long has this been a thing, exactly?”

“One week and 3 days,” said Rich.

“How did it happen?” said Christine.

“Well, I’ve had a massive crush on Rich since senior year, and I just finally managed to get my crap together and ask him out.” Jake turned to smile at Rich. “He said yes, evidently.”

“No, I said HELL yes.” Rich replied, looking at his boyfriend with soft eyes. “Please get it right.”

“Anyways,” said Jake, laughing, “we’re a thing now and I’m very happy.”

“Me too.” Rich smiled at Jake so lovingly, Michael began to make retching noises.

“What the hell.” Michael said. “I feel like we never see Jake because he’s Mr. Superman and is doing 500 million different things at once, but it’s like I turned my back for 5 minutes and suddenly you’re dating?!” Michael paused for a breath, then slumped back in the booth. “I dig it.”

“Yes! I think you guys are just perfect for each other!” gushed Christine. “Also, Rich, it must be so nice to get to go out with the guy that you’ve pined over for so long.”

Jake’s entire body seemed to perk up at her words. “Wait, what?” He turned to look at Rich. “Pined over for so long? What is she talking about?”

Rich had gone a violent shade of red. “Christine, no-”

“Oh yeah, after all that stuff in junior year and when we all became friends?” Christine continued obliviously. “Rich used to talk my ear off about you, Jake! It was actually really cute, although...a little overbearing at times, because when I say a lot, I mean a LOT.”

“It’s true,” Jeremy chimed in. Rich directed the laser beams shooting out of his eyes at him, his face begging him to stop. Jeremy ignored him. “It was always weirdly poetic verses about your pecs and the color of your eyes and stuff. He really loves how well toned your butt is, in case you didn’t know that. I definitely knew that, although I’m not sure I wanted to.”

The shit-eating grin on Jake’s face grew bigger with each passing word. He reached out to prod Rich’s face, which he was currently attempting to hide in his hands. 

“Dude. That is like, the cutest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. You had a crush on me?!”

Rich looked up from his hands to glare at him. “So did you! On me. I mean. Not on yourself, you had a crush on- senior year-” Rich stopped, groaning and slouching back in the seat as the rest of the group laughed at him. “WHATEVER. You know what I mean. Can we just order, please?”

\---- 

“So what do you think?” Christine asked Jeremy softly. 

Behind them, Michael snored softly on the couch, totally conked out. Jeremy looked at him in the dim light of their apartment and felt love flood into his heart. His mouth was slightly open against the couch pillow, and his hands clutched slightly at the plaid blanket Jeremy had laid over him just moments earlier when he’d realized the boy had fallen asleep.

“What?” he said, turning to Christine. Rich and Jake had left to their own apartment about half an hour ago, hand in hand and Rich making suggestive comments as they went. There had also been far too much aggressive eyebrow waggling, in Jeremy’s opinion. Now it was just him, Christine, and Michael still in the apartment, and Michael had fallen asleep pretty quickly. Christine only had half an hour more until she needed to head out, and she and Jeremy were taking the opportunity to talk. 

“What do you think? Did you get vibes from Michael that screamed that he likes you?” She nudged Jeremy with her shoulder. “Because I certainly did.”

Jeremy looked at her, smiling ruefully. “I didn’t get anything, Christine. Because he doesn’t like me.”

Christine considered for a second. “Do you know what I think it is? I think that Michael’s liked you for a very, very long time, and you’ve become desensitized to it. Everything that screams that Michael wants to hold your hand and kiss YOU, you just see as normal Michael behavior. If you would just tell him-”

“Christine.” Jeremy sighed, suddenly feeling very very tired. “Michael doesn’t like me, and I’m not going to ruin the best thing in my life by telling him how I feel.”

“But if you’d just talk about i-”

“I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.” Jeremy interrupted, staring down at the carpet they were sitting on and picking at the edges nervously.

“OK.” Christine paused, heavy and awkward. Silence filled the space between them, save for Michael’s tiny and adorable snores. 

“Do you think you’ll do a duet with him, then?” Christine asked. Michael had told them all at dinner that he had been invited to a concert that featured some of the most talented up and coming musicians at their school, and he was super pumped about it. Jeremy, however, was probably even more pumped than he was. He was so excited for his friend’s skills and talents to be recognized in the way that they should be!

Michael had said that he was allowed to bring others to perform with him, and then asked Jeremy if he wanted to do a duet. Jeremy had stammered elegantly and said he’d have to think about it.

(“Oh come on, it’s not like you don’t have an insanely amazing voice.” Michael had said. “You should share it with the world! Or at least, the probably really small crowd that’s going to show up at this concert.”)

Jeremy shrugged. “I don’t know yet. Probably, though. I think it would be really fun to sing with Michael.”

Christine nodded enthusiastically. “Absolutely. I bet you two would sound amazing together. Almost as if...your voices are meant to be intertwined?”

“Shut up,” Jeremy said, blushing. Christine laughed, nudging his shoulder again.

“Seriously, you should do it. You do have an amazing talent, Jeremy, and so does Michael. You should get to share them together.”

Jeremy glanced at Michael’s peaceful face, his hair flopping over his forehead and his entire body relaxed. “Maybe.”

\----

“Hey.” said Jeremy, shaking Michael’s shoulder gently. “Hey.”

Christine had left about ten minutes ago, and Michael was still fast asleep on the couch.

“Wha? Was going on?” Michael replied groggily, blinking up at Jeremy. His hand came up to rub his eyes blearily. Cute, Jeremy thought.

“You fell asleep on the couch. You need to get to your bed.”

“Hmmm.” Michael murmured, turning his head back into the pillow. “Don’t wanna. I’m comfortable here.”

“You’d be more comfortable in your bed, bozo. Now get up.”

Jeremy slid one of his skinny arms under Michael’s torso, manhandling him into a sitting position. Michael’s brow furrowed. 

“When did you get so strong?”

“When I started rooming with an idiot who keeps falling asleep on the couch.” Jeremy replied. “Now stand up, I’m not actually strong enough to carry you quite yet.”

“Quite yet?” Michael said, standing and wrapping his arm around Jeremy. His head lolled onto Jeremy’s shoulder. “You planning on carrying around me in the future? Nice.”

Jeremy felt his cheeks heating up. “Uh…”

“Relax, Jer.” Michael said into his neck. “I was joking.”

Jeremy looked down at what he could see of Michael- the top of his head, his dark curls brushing softly against his neck. He felt the firm pressure of Michael’s body against his, the way Michael’s arm trailed against his shoulder. It felt so right. 

But he couldn’t let himself succumb to his emotions. Michael was his best friend, and that was it. There would never be anything more between them, and that was ok. Being friends with such an amazing person was reward enough. 

Jeremy lay Michael down on his bed gently, placing his glasses on the desk nearby. He pulled the blanket over Michael’s body, tucking it around him. Michael regarded him through heavily lidded eyes.

Jeremy had turned to walk back to his own bed when Michael called his name softly. “Jeremy.”

Jeremy looked back at Michael’s form in the low lighting if their dark room. “Michael.”

He could see Michael’s soft smile, even through the dark. “I’m glad you’re my friend.”

Jeremy felt warmth and sorrow explode through his body at the same time. This boy. This boy, who made him feel safe, and warm, and so so loved. This boy, who was the best thing in his life. This boy, who he loved more than anything else in the world.

“I’m glad you’re my friend too, Michael. Really, really glad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR READING I LOOOOVE YOU!!!!
> 
> come visit me on tumblr at birtsby, or my BMC blog birtsby-bmc!


	5. You Were the Best I Never Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok. Um, hi, everyone. I’m Michael Mell-”
> 
> “WOOHOO! Yes! Go Michael!” Rich cheered from his seat. Michal waved awkwardly in acknowledgment.
> 
> “Yup, ok. Thanks, Rich. So we’ve been having a great night so far, lots of talented artists. Rachel, I had no idea anyone could even do that with a kazoo. Anyways, I’m a first semester music major and I’m incredibly honored to be here. I have 4 songs for you tonight. The first three are songs that I composed, the final will be a duet between me and my buddy Jeremy over there-” he pointed at Jeremy, who gave a small wave to the audience. “-and I’m so excited to share with you all. So let’s get started, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I just want to thank all of you wonderful and beautiful people who leave comments. Seriously, you make my life 10000x brighter. I love you all so much!
> 
> Chapter title is taken from Oscar Isaac's "Never Had", which is an amazing song by an amazing man. 
> 
> As always, come talk to me at [my BMC tumblr!](https://birtsby-bmc.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I adore all of you! Enjoy!

Jeremy looked out over the decent sized crowd in the cafe. Behind him, Michael grunted as he struggled to slip his hand into a small space and plug in his guitar amp.

“Shit.” he cursed, almost tripping on the myriad of wires crossing the floor as he shifted to a new position.”Oh my god. I give up.”

Jeremy turned to look at him, laughing at his red face and defeated sprawl on the floor. “Oh my god dude, let me try.”

Michael grumpily handed him the guitar jack, then watched as Jeremy easily reached into the small space and plugged it in. “That’s just because you’ve got skinny-ass hands.” Michael grumbled. Jeremy scoffed, taking a seat next to him on the platform stage. Neither of them spoke, simply taking in the turmoil around them.

There were 6 other students performing that night, and all of them were rushing around the relatively small stage, setting up keyboards and drum kits and loop amps. A lot of their things were piled up in the back of the stage precariously. The vibe in the air was one of intense nerves. On the far corner of the stage, a girl cried over what looked like a kazoo.

The room itself was slowly filling up with attendees, waiting for the show to begin in 20 minutes. Jeremy looked at Michael, who was watching the people trickling in with wide eyes. “How are you feeling?”

Michael swallowed. “Um...scared as hell? I’ve never performed in front of a crowd bigger than my class before. Oh my god. What if I mess up horribly? What if my guitar spontaneously combusts? What is Michelle Obama flies-”

“Dude, take a breath.” Jeremy reached over and grasped both of Michael’s hands in his. It was kind of an awkward angle, as they were sitting side by side, but Michael shifted to accommodate him. He waited until he could see Michael taking big gulping breaths of air, his shoulders visibly relaxing.

“You’re going to be amazing, Michael. You’ve been practicing your songs like crazy, and they sound great. You sound great.”

Michael sighed, his thumb beginning to run up and down Jeremy’s palm. Jeremy tried to ignore the shiver that it sent down his spine. 

“I just- this is MY work, you know? I wrote most of the songs that I’m performing, and I just...I just really want people to like it.”

“They will,” Jeremy assured softly, “and even if they don’t, even if a meteor crashes into this cafe, or if your ukulele becomes sentient and tries to take over the world, I’m still going to love your music and I’m still going to be so, so proud of you.”

Michael looked at Jeremy with shining eyes. Jeremy’s breath hitched. The ambient noise of the cafe was drowned out and suddenly all he could hear was Michael, all he could see was Michael. Michael, who was looking at him with the most beautiful eyes. Michael, who was leaning towards him slowly, who was saying something, saying something-

“Jeremy, I-”

“Oh my god, GAY!” Rich cried as he walked into the stage area, hand in hand with Jake. Michael’s head whipped around, withdrawing his hands quickly from Jeremy’s. The moment was gone. 

“Oh my god, BI!” Michael shouted back. Jake laughed, holding up his and Rich’s intertwined hands in confirmation as they walked up to the boys on stage.

“How are you doing? Are you excited?” Jake asked.

“Um, nervous, mostly.” Michael replied.

“When do you go in the set, dude?” said Rich.

“I go fifth, but I’m performing in a final song with all the other student composers at the very end.” said Michael.

Jake whistled. “And aren’t you singing as well, Jeremy?”

Jeremy nodded. “Yup. We’re singing a duet, but Michael’s playing the guitar at the same time and doing most of the work.”

“Yeah, but Jeremy has to sing and look pretty for the both of us, which he does remarkably well, in my opinion.” Michael grinned.

“Shut up.” Jeremy blushed, shoving Michael’s shoulder.

“Wow. Well, that was all very disgusting and all, but Jake and I are going to go sit down now. Jeremy, we’ll save you a place.” said Rich. “You two have fun being nasty.” He and Jake turned, walking towards a table near the front of the stage.

Jeremy and Michael looked at each other, both of their faces burning. “Um…” Michael stuttered, his hands flailing awkwardly. “Do you want to, um, go warm up?”

“Yeah! Yes. Um, yup.” Jeremy replied, not quite knowing what to do with himself. Fling himself of a cliff, probably. God.

“Ok.” Michael stood, extending his hand out to Jeremy and hoisting him into a standing position. “We got 15 minutes to showtime. Let’s do this, Jer.”

\----

“Ok. Um, hi, everyone. I’m Michael Mell-”

“WOOHOO! Yes! Go Michael!” Rich cheered from his seat. Michal waved awkwardly in acknowledgment.

“Yup, ok. Thanks, Rich. So we’ve been having a great night so far, lots of talented artists. Rachel, I had no idea anyone could even do that with a kazoo. Anyways, I’m a first semester music major and I’m incredibly honored to be here. I have 4 songs for you tonight. The first three are songs that I composed, the final will be a duet between me and my buddy Jeremy over there-” he pointed at Jeremy, who gave a small wave to the audience. “-and I’m so excited to share with you all. So let’s get started, I guess.”

Jeremy watched, almost as in a trance, as Michael took a seat behind a keyboard. Michael was so, so talented. The word looped through Jeremy’s mind as he watched Michael concentrate on the keys in front of him. Talented. Talented, and amazing, and incredible. 

Michael was an entity, a multitude. The blue lighting of the cafe shone down on his head, casting beautiful highlights in his hair. His usual red hoodie had been replaced for the night with a long sleeved gray Henley. It looked really, really good on him. Of course it did.

Jeremy was frustrated with himself, but he also understood. He had fallen for the most beautiful, amazing boy. How could anyone be in Michael’s presence and not ultimately come to the conclusion that he was the best thing in the entire world? 

Michael brought out his midi fighter for his second song. Jeremy watched as he smiled and moved his body to the beat. The crowd was loving him. Which, of course they would. How could they not? They stamped their feet and clapped along to the beat of Michael’s song. A couple of girls in the back got up and danced along to the piece. Jeremy wanted to do something too, to show Michael how much he loved everything about him, but his body wouldn’t move. All he could was watch.

For the third song, Michael pulled out an electric guitar, which. Wow. Jeremy was discovering just how insanely bi he truly was. Michael with an electric guitar, a form fitting gray Henley, blue lighting and a wicked grin, was his new sexual orientation. 

The third song ended, and the crowd went wild. Rich turned to Jeremy as he applauded. “I had no idea Michael was so friggin’ talented!” Jeremy nodded along vigorously, the enchantment that had been over him suddenly broken. Because now, Michael was making eye contact with him as he walked up to the mic.

“This final song here is going to be a duet between me and my practically life-long best friend, Jeremy Heere. You might recognize Jeremy as the lead in the upcoming school musical, Thoroughly Modern Millie, which I highly recommend that you all go see in December.” Michael said, as Jeremy slowly made his way up to stand next to him on the stage.

“So,” Michael continued, as he handed his electric guitar to a stage hand and picked up his acoustic, ‘we’re going to be singing a very special song for you all tonight. It’s called “Never Had”, written by the beautiful and amazing Oscar Isaac. We hope you like it!”

Michael pulled up two stools from the back of the stage, and a stage hand finished setting up another mic for Jeremy. Michael smiled at Jeremy, gesturing for him to take a seat. Jeremy looked out at the audience as he did so, feeling the anxiety he always felt before a performance. He clenched the top of the stool, allowing some of the nerves to seep out of his fingers. He drew a shaky breath and nodded at Michael, who was watching him expectantly. 

Michael nodded back at him, then drew his fingers over the guitar strings gently, beginning the song. Jeremy took a deep breath and began to sing.

_“I've been gone for so long now, chasing everything that's new  
I’ve forgotten how I got here, but I’ve not forgotten you.”_

He watched Michael’s face as he sang. He knew, as a performer, that he was supposed to be looking out at the audience, but he just couldn’t pull his eyes from Michael. Michael, who was looking right back at him as his fingers flew over the guitar, smiling with an open mouth.

_“We were just children with our eyes opening, you were all that I could see  
You came close enough to know my heart beat but still not close enough for me”_

Jeremy continued, feeling the weight of the lyrics. He felt like he was suffocating, or maybe waking up for the first time. Michael opened his mouth to join him in the chorus. 

_“Through the good times and the bad_  
_You were the best I never had_  
_The only chance I wish I had to take_  
_There was no writing on the wall_  
_No warning signs to follow_  
_I know now and I just can't forget_  
_You're the best I never had.”_

Michael wasn’t looking away, and neither was Jeremy. He poured his soul into the words he was singing, hoping that it would somehow make Michael understand. He wanted Michael to comprehend just how much Jeremy loved him, how much he wished things would be different between them. How he was really the best thing that Jeremy would never have.

Jeremy turned in his seat, facing Michael full on. Michael mirrored him, their knees touching as Jeremy sang his truth to Michael. 

In the final verse, when Michael joined in once more, Jeremy noticed something in the way that Michael was looking at him. He was looking at him like his heart was filled to the bursting with admiration, and desire, and love. He was looking at him in a way that made Jeremy trip over one of the words in the song, because he was looking at him in a way that was giving him hope.

The final chords of the song echoed out, and the audience erupted into applause. The two boys on stage didn’t hear any of it. 

Jeremy looked at Michael’s face- so close to his, and so open and pliant. He looked at his eyes, and the way they reflected the blue lighting, and the almost hopeful expression on his face that he was sure was mirrored in his own. Jeremy looked at Michael’s lips, slightly open and smiling, and then- and then-

Jeremy and Michael leaned forward at the same time, meeting each other in the middle.

Jeremy wasn’t expecting a kiss like in the movies. In the quiet moments of the night, when he imagined what it would be like to kiss Michael, he imagined that it would be messy and embarrassing and probably a little bit gross. After all, neither of them had a ton of experience.

And yet, it was perfect. Michael’s lips were soft on his, gentle and almost afraid. He kissed him so, so softly, the press of his lips delicate against Jeremy’s. Jeremy pressed forward, showing Michael that yes, he wanted this, he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him until the end of time, if he could. 

Michael’s hand came up to frame Jeremy’s face, his thumb dragging along his cheekbone. Jeremy raised his hand to cover Michael’s, reaching out with his other hand and placing it on Michael’s neck. Their mouths fit together perfectly, the way that Jeremy knew that they would. The way that Jeremy knew that everything about them was going to fit perfectly, the way that it always had, the way that it always would. 

Only when Jeremy pulled away, resting his forehead against Michael’s and feeling his breath return to him, did he realize that the cafe was erupting into hoots and cheers around them. He could distinctly hear Rich screaming something about him “taking long enough oh my GOD”. But none of that mattered, because Michael was in front of him now, blushing and smiling shyly at him. And that was everything he needed.

“Um…” said Michael, barely audible against the cheers of the audience. “I guess we should get off the stage now?”

“Yeah,” said Jeremy, feeling breathless. “Um, yeah.”

Michael walked back to the table where the other student composers were sitting, all of them looking shocked. Jeremy returned to Rich and Jake’s table, holding himself awkwardly as audience members he walked by held out hands to give him high-fives. 

“DUDE.” Rich pounced before he even sat down. “Um, what the hell. That was the most epic way to come out that I’ve ever seen. Jake, can we do ours over again? I want to have an audience screaming for me when I kiss you for the first time.” 

“That was pretty wicked.” Jake agreed. “Also, I totally called it.”

“What do you mean, you called it?” Rich scoffed. “You said before the end of the semester. Do you know how incredibly vague that is? Besides, Christine was the closest. She guessed-”

“Woah, wait.” interrupted Jeremy. “You guys were like, betting on us?”

“Oh no, not betting, per-se.” Jake reassured. “Christine would never allow that. But friendly, non-monetary bets? Oh yeah. Also, I technically still was right about it being before the end of the semester-”

As Jake and Rich continued to bicker, Jeremy turned to look for Michael. Michael was already looking back at him, smiling widely. Jeremy couldn’t help but smile back, still flushed with embarrassment. He couldn’t believe it. He had just kissed the most beautiful and wonderful boy to ever exist, and that boy had kissed him back. He felt like his heart was going to explode with joy.

He wasn’t able to talk to Michael for the rest of the show, as he had to sit with the student composers. The rest of the performances were incredible, but Jeremy was mainly preoccupied with watching Michael. Michael, who he’d kissed.

When the show was finally, finally over, when Michael was finally done being congratulated by what felt like hundreds of different people (which he absolutely deserved. People could praise Michael to the end of time and it still wouldn’t be enough.), when they were finally walking out the door together after saying goodbye to Rich and Jake and their suggestive eyebrows, Jeremy felt like he was finally able to get it out.

“Michael. Michael, oh my god, you were so amazing.” Jeremy waved his hands around to emphasize his words as they walked across the parking lot towards Michael’s car. “Your second song! Everyone was so excited and did you see the girls who were dancing along? So good. You were so good, Michael-”

Michael reached out a hand and stopped Jeremy before he walked straight into the car in his excitement. 

“Oh. Thanks, Mikey.”

“Jeremy. Jer.”

Jeremy gulped and looked at Michael, and the way that Michael was looking at him.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you again?”

Jeremy felt a smile spread across his face. He hoped Michael could feel how extraordinarily happy he was right now, as he slid his arms around Michael’s neck and rested his forehead against his.

“Michael. You could kiss me from now until forever, and I don’t think it would ever be enough.”

“So..that’s a yes?”

In response, Jeremy pulled Michael down to his lips. He felt almost giddy with joy as Michael’s mouth worked against his, this kiss already much deeper than the previous. Their lips moved together, Michael pressing Jeremy up against the side of his car to get better access. Jeremy let him, his arms wrapping tightly around his neck and through his hair and touching every single part of him that he could. 

Jeremy was in so, so deep.

They stayed like that, making out in a dark parking lot, until a car full of teenagers drove by, honking and yelling obscenities. Only then did they pull apart, panting and smiling at each other.

“So.” said Michael. “That’s a thing.”

“Yup.” Jeremy agreed. “I..I like that thing.”

“Me too,” Michael said. “Also, have I told you that I really, really like you?”

Jeremy squeaked, hiding his face in his hands. “Um, no. Um, have I told you that I really, really really like you?”

“Ok, Carly Rae Jepson.” Michael laughed, reaching up to pry Jeremy’s hands from his face and hold them in his own, “But seriously. Jeremy, I like you so much. And I want to keep kissing you, and to take you on dates and to hold your hand in public and then kiss you some more. Would you be ok with that?”

Jeremy was blushing so hard, it was an actual shock he wasn’t on fire. “Um, yes. Oh my god, yes, Michael. Literally nothing would make me happier.”

Michael smiled at him again, joy radiating from every part of his body. “Oh my god. Can we go home right now before I do something I’ll regret in the middle of a parking lot?”

Jeremy nodded vigorously, rushing to get in the passenger side of the door. This was shaping up to be a pretty wonderful night.

**Author's Note:**

> I love every character in this silly musical.


End file.
